she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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