I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
