I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
