I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
