half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
