is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
