My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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