From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
