think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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