I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
