Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
