i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
