i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
