the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
