he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
