rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
