i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
