I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
