literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
