Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
