i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
