My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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