one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no you cant smoke seaweed
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
there is glitter all over my balls
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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