I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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