He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
