I wanna bring you to show and tell
My liver just broke up with me...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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