Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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