drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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