I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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