Sry I called you an 8
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
