but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
