ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
