I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
