She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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