WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
