I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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