New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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