My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
