I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
