Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
