8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
