We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
