we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
