Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
pray to the hookup gods
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
