Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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