he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
