So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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