we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
