So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
