On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
