Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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